you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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