you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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