This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
