Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
