why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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