I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
