I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
