Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
