hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
