the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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