There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
