Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
