why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
