That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You're a waste of cheezeits
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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