This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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