I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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