it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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