Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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