Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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