I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
