Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
