my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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