you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
