I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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