maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
