When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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