I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
