Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
