Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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