I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
