Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
