just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
