thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
