On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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