just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
