Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
