So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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