hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
