I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
do herpes really smell.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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