dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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