who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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