Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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