my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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