I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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