He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
