im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We are two peas in an std pod
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
