i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize