Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
