Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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