Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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