My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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