Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
