70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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