something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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