Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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