I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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